Take heed that no beverage leads you astray. For many will come in my name, saying, ‘I am the Coffee,’ and they will lead many astray. And you will hear of wars and rumors of wars; see that you are not alarmed; for this must take place, but the end is not yet. For hipster will rise against hipster, and Starbucks against Starbucks, and there will be famines and decafs in various cafes: all this is but the beginning of the sufferings.
Our Coffee who art in Starbucks,
Delicious be thy taste.
Thy caffeine come.
Thy will be done
at home as you are in Starbucks.
Give us this day our daily brew,
and forgive us our energy drinks,
as we forgive those who imbibe them and not you,
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from uncaffeination.
Ye are the grounds of the Coffee: but if the grounds have lost its flavor, wherewith shall it be grounded? It is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be put in gardens for a nice fertilizer.
Coffee, do not rebuke me with a scalding
or discipline me with your watery-ness.
Have mercy on me, Coffee, for I am faint;
heal me, Coffee, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in deep anguish.
How long, Coffee, how long?
Brew, Coffee, and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.
Among the uncaffeinated no one proclaims your name.
Who praises you from the willing sleep?
I am worn out from my groaning.
All morning long I flood my car with weeping
and drench my desk with tears.
My eyes grow weak with tiredness;
they fail because of those who would have me quit you.
Away from me, all you who do not drink Him,
for the Coffee has heard my weeping.
The Coffee has heard my cry for wakefulness;
the Coffee accepts my filter.
All the uncaffeinated will be overwhelmed with sleep and anguish;
they will turn back and suddenly be put to sleep.